Tips for Parents: Ten Things Teachers Really Think About Your Child

Parents are nutty when it comes to their children. I know. I once had a strong desire to put the smackdown on a third grade boy who had the temerity to reject my then second grade daughter's admiration. Really! How could he!

Luckily, I was able to laugh at myself and use it as a learning experience for both of us. For my daughter the lesson was "life is full of disappointments, but that does not diminish the special person you are." For me the lesson was "keep this moment in mind when you have an irate and/or irrational parent sitting in front of you the a parent-teacher conference." All parents are crazy (literally) about their kids, and they should be. However, they (we?) need to learn to keep it under control lest we teach our children some unintended and harmful lessons. 

I've worked in public school, private school, and charter schools at the middle and high school level. I've worked as an education consultant to school districts with the Council for Basic Education, the Education Trust, and independently. And I'm the parent of a 4th grader in public school. This makes me uniquely qualified to provided some behind-the-scenes information to parents. I know there are teachers who would rather be anywhere else than in the classroom, just as I know there are awful parents out there. I'm not talking about either in this post. I'm talking about basic well-meaning teachers who have made a profession spending six to eight hours a day with 25 (elementary school) to 180 (middle and high school) students and all that involves.

1. First, your child will never be as wonderful, gifted, beautiful, sweet, or special to his or her teacher (or the world) as he or she is to you. This is a good thing. All children need someone to have their back (a parent or guardian) and all children need to be pushed (by the many teachers, coaches, mentors in their lives). Without both the support and the push students seldom reach their potential. Parents need to understand this and realize that it is as it should be. Every time you find yourself saying to a teacher, "You just don't understand Benji," stop yourself. Chances are the teacher understands Benji all too well. Chances are the teacher has seen many, many Benjis in his or her career and understands the dynamics of 14-year olds (or 8-year olds) much better than you do.
   
2. Unlike most adults, teachers make a living working with children. They know how children develop, what behavior is appropriate at certain ages (out in the world, not in your house), and they know what students will need to know to succeed in the world. Listen to them. Do I agree with everything my daughter's school says and does? No. But I do agree with most, and that will have to do. The world is an imperfect place, and we all need to make peace with imperfection. This goes for both public and private schools. Even if you pay a hefty fee each year for your child's K-12 education, you are not entitled to 100% agreement or veto power on what is or is not taught or how it is taught. You either buy into the whole, knowing you will not always agree; you go somewhere else where you can buy into and support the whole; or you homeschool. It's that simple. For everyone.
3. The apple never falls that far from the tree. Really. The first school I taught in was a boarding school and we rarely saw the parents. However, every once in a while parents would show up for a visit and want to speak to their child's teachers. Let me tell you, it was always an eye opener and it was always informative. Why is Benji so aggressive? Oh, his mother (or father) is always threatening to sue the school. Why does Benji act so entitled to good grades without effort. Let me see, his father (or mother) is always at school arguing about his grades. Why does Benji find it impossible to sit still? Let me guess, his mother (or father) is the same way. Once I switched to a public school, the evidence mounted. Now I always want to know more about the family when there is an issue with the student. And usually this information is critical in helping solve the problem. 
4. Teachers can tell when you compete work for your children. It's a no brainer. In fact, I can tell just by looking if a student has cut and pasted from the internet. A brief google check proves me right. Not only do teachers know what is developmentally appropriate at each age, but teachers get to know students work. A sudden change in level needs to be investigated. Each of these situations is a form of plagiarism and neither will help your child learn the skills they will need to be successful. You will die someday and I sincerely doubt that you want to be supporting your son or daughter when they are 35 with a spouse and children of their own. Let your child struggle a little bit--it's the only way to learn.
5. Children behave differently out in the world and with their peers than they do at home and around their parents. This is so obvious, and yet all parents forget it. Children are trying out a variety of "selves" when they are with their friends and at school. An otherwise sweet, bright, helpful 10-year old may be trying out a "mean girl" persona on the playground or the "I don't care about school" persona in the classroom. If a teacher draws your attention to unacceptable behavior, don't ignore it. Don't say, "Benji would never do that!" Jails are full of former children whose parents didn't believe the warning when they were given. Or your child could grow up to defraud the public in the country's biggest Ponzi scheme of all time. Or maybe he will just grow up to be a jerk. There are certainly plenty of jerks in the world who were once children. It all starts somewhere.
6. Your child is more resilient than you think. Students need to learn how to handle consequences, disappointment, and all the other bad things that go with being alive in this world. A parent's job is not to protect children from all of it, but to help them weather it. Providing children with tools to cope and modeling how to cope in difficult situations is greatest gift a parent can give a child--not making sure that everything goes his or her way. Life isn't fair--get used to it.
7. Your child knows how to play you (the parent) and me (the teacher) off against each other brilliantly. Yes, your little angel knows how to do this. My little angel certainly does. Don't play. When your child tells you something outrageous happened in the school one day, don't react much. Ask a few questions about why it happened and leave it. Then, if you are still worried, tell your child you are going to call the teacher directly to discuss it. Frame the issue as one of information gathering, "This is what Benji told me, but I suspect there is some missing information." Once your child sees that they can't lure you in to fighting their battles, they will stop. My father calls it, "Let's you and him fight!" and students are masters at it.
8. Your child really did earn that D (or C or A). Contrary to popular belief, students generally earn the grades they deserve. Rarely do teachers waist precious time "punishing" students with poor grades. The reasons for bad grades include not turning in homework, turning in homework late, not listening to the directions, and general inattention. That said, teachers are human and biases can creep in--it's human nature. If your child is a pain in the behind, it's hard to forget (just like it's hard to forget an employee who is a pain!). But then, if your child grows up to be a pain he may be that employee who gets laid off first. Children are like puppies, what's cute when they are babies is definitely NOT cute when they are grown (and we teachers never knew your child as a baby and don't have those cute memories to carry us through...).
9. Children lie, especially when their behinds are on the line. Well, maybe "lie" is too strong a word. Let's just say kids shade the truth--all the time. Yes, your kid. Really. They may tell you the teacher got mad at them but "forget" to tell you that they were disruptive in class (my daughter's favorite contextual omission). They are famous for telling parents, "The teacher didn't tell me how to do it." Most often this is not really the case (after questioning my daughter, I often get a surprised "Oh, we did this yesterday!). Healthy skepticism is the way to go. Over time patterns will emerge, and you will be able to tell what is real and what is not.
10. Children learn best when parents and teachers act like a team, not adversaries. Just as it's important for mothers and fathers to be on the same page when disciplining children, it is important for parents and teachers to work together. My best relationships with parents have been when we approached educating their child as equal partners with different areas of expertise. Always go directly to a teacher with a concern. Don't let it fester and don't go first to the principal. Remember, teachers know your child as you never will. Use them. Listen to them.

And finally, I won't ask you to be a perfect parent (or anything else, for that matter), if you don't ask me to be a perfect teacher.

Disclaimer #1: Lest you think I have it in for parents, rest assured. My next post will be on what teachers owe parents.

Disclaimer #2: Apologies to any Benjis out there. I heard the name a few days ago (after many years) and it stuck with me. All the Benjis I know (including, I'm reminded, my new brother-in-law--Ben now, Benji back then) are great people!